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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ex-capitalist's LiveJournal:

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    Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
    8:36 pm
    S.F Dyke March
     Oh California how I have missed you so.

    With your people that just strike up conversation with anyone, for any reason.

    Triads are the new diads, and couples are oh so conservative these days. Who knew?

    Dolores park....I heart you, lots and lots and lots.

    I think I am actually ready to move back.

    13 months to pay off my student loan debt...

    Lets see what the future holds.

    Today all is possible.

    Current Music: coyote grace and courtney robins
    Sunday, December 14th, 2008
    10:34 pm
    woke up in a teepee to snow
     Snow is cold.
    My only defense was long sleeves and an NAU hoodie..clearly unprepared.

    I miss how it sounds, how it smells, and how I felt walking to and from north campus. The amount of control over my own life, path, and seemingly my world was immeasurable. Snow reminds me of intelligent conversation. Of feeling hungry, tired, and fully usefull.

    My love for cities go so far beyond what it should. San Fransisco Peaks were covered white gray this morning.
    ------------

    There is a new group , Human and Equal Rights Organizers, which meets Monday nights. Driving home from Prescott few weeks ago I was asked if this was the social revolution that I was looking for. My response included that I was not entirely sure what it was, that I was scared to be at the chaotic beginning and usually joined things that were well formed and established, so this was counter to my normal inclinations, but it's goals were true to my core.

    The response I recieved was that joining a pre-formed 'institution' was not what I really wanted , that what it seemed I wanted was to create my own change.

    Chaos mind you, came with multiple meetings and more challenges that I had in mind. But the goals were where my faith lay, and still are.

    Now, I have been offered to join an already formed institution to do similar work, in alignment with h.e.r.o, the offer is to do them both.

    Do I want to join an already formed institution or create one , in order to make the most change?

    Current Mood: creative
    Current Music: mixed cd from haven
    Saturday, September 27th, 2008
    12:40 am
    life is compounding, and I'm starting to move about again
     Hello Journal!

    Snippets:
    *I am in love with no less than three people.
    *Dependency on my job has faded, yet I have found a renewed sense of value there.
    *The last 8 years has taught me I can stay grounded for no more than a 60-90 day average w/out boarding a plane.
    *Road trip to see "Equality U" in Fresno was amazing.

    So first off, I not only don't hate my job, it causes me no stress. Value has been found in the compassion and communication skills learned daily. Guilt arises out of the total anonymity of it all. Lost in a pseudonym. Zero accountability.

    Travel has become so integral to my life it would not BE my life without it. Incorporating this more central to my core will be necessary to really obtain happiness.

    My cat is chasing bugs and that gives me security.

    So, on the girls bit... I don't know what to tell you. They are invading my life, and my brain, and my entire focus. One appears sporadically, adorable, and lives out of town, completely unavailable. One lives here, is wicked fun and of course has zero interest in me. Completely unavailable. The third, is a contradiction I can not grasp. She's been all over, likes art and two stepping and puts bacon in her oatmeal. Quirky and interesting, there are a zillion things to engage her in. She lives and breathes her job, which is out of state and is ...completely unavailable. Pursueing the first two is out of the question since the third is everpresent in my daily life. She has crossed my mind almost daily since she was here. It would be great to get them all out of my head,but you know me..so.

    Inspired and dwelling.

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Sunday, November 18th, 2007
    5:18 pm
    I have learned quite a lot from Girls...rules and risks
     Alright, so my life drastically improved since the last time I was on here!

    In fact is has been amazing. Completely amazing.

    I am still frustrated that I have no real communication with the woman I use to share a home with...six months later and still her willingness towards any level of conversation seems at an all time low. I long ago, put her on the farthest outer most part of my life. Yet she is still in it, because she is my most recent past. I made the mistake of doing nothing on my own over the prior four years, no trips, no countries, no accomplishments that she was not a part of. We have not discussed breaking up, us, our relationship, our friendship, or eath others lives in any aspect. The amount of communication so far has been 'why did I stay home sick from work'; and something about me possibly buying the house back from her. So six months later and I still can look only to myself to decide to put away any ideas of friendship, love, and closure.

    That aside, I have been consumed with other people.
    I have met the most amazing, ambitious, and true people in the strangest places.

    I have had a full chance to evaluate my beliefs, my values, and my actions.

    I spent all of October with no rules.
    -attempted to quit drinking
    -kept my word about commitments
    -ate red meat
    -sang kareoke ( I know, it was insane)
    -trusted people when I didnt understand why
    -continually walked into a relationship with red flags from day one
    -did stop pursueing when every instinct told me to do so
    -realized that although it is true that you cannot repeat the same actions and expect different results, it is also possible to do everything opposite your instict and get the exact same results anyone...you simply are who you are till you learn to change yourself.

    November's theme was risk...

    Now its on to repairing my family including my mother who just called me to tell me she landed safely in CA to visit her ex...the one I had to remove her from a year and a half ago...I pray to God she comes back.

    90% of myself is different.

    I am struggling to get the other 10 percent.
    I would like to change my ability to:
    ...oommunicate
    ...to walk away when I know I'm not happy.
    ...to follow my heart
    ...to listen, to all of it, every word , even the bits I don't like
    ...to risk even more
    ...to hold back sometimes
    ...to honestly admit no matter how much I say that I am, I will not be over how badly someone treats me for a very long time
    ...I want to accept no as an answer
    ...I want to accept giving up, quiting, and letting go of goals as an actual option.
    ...I want to love myself even the parts i AM TRYING to change

    So, we ( being myself and I) have had a few other failed attempts. Which has left me immensely passionate, hopeful, and best of all feeling that I deserve love. Which is amazing actually. I had never met anyone else who got as excited about the little things, or was as equally ambitious, excitable and genuinely a happy person. And...I never danced with anyone the way I danced with her...all around crazy, adventurous, confusing, and rewarding last 60 days.

    I have learned a lot about what I don't want, and who I don't want to be.

    I dated a non-butch...and she was beautiful...and I wish her the absolute best of luck from the bottom of my heart that she gets everything that she wants. Thank you for listening to me, for hours upon hours. Thank you for keeping me occupied, distracted and busy. Thank you for letting me push, thank you for pushing back. And thank you for being brave enough to follow your heart...it makes you immensely loved in my book.

    Champagne and Musubi awaits....

    Adventure in love will continue thru the holiday...
    I'll try to keep up more...myspace consumes me at the moment.

    Current Mood: cheerful
    Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
    10:39 pm
    and the dogs run round and round!
     Because I have NEW shiny apartment!!!!

    Yippee.

    So, I signed my name off of the house on Monday.

    I am no longer a home owner.

    Not at all the smartest financial decision I have ever made, in fact probably the most expensive one at best.

    But I'm done with it.
    I have no ties now, I am free to roam about the country.

    Goodnight Kids!

    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Saturday, August 25th, 2007
    4:48 pm
    The House
     I have been offered the option to sign my name off the house...
    Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
    9:27 am
    Saturday, August 18th, 2007
    12:17 am
    Cats were taken to a shelter
     I spent 6 hours shopping today.
    Although metro-center was everything I dreamed it up to be I was ...stalling.

    Why the hell is any of that significant?

    I got a text today stating she had taken both of her cats to a shelter.


    I am balancing the excitement of not having to feed the cats that don't belong to me, with the misery of knowing that stubborness may result in both animals being euthanised.

    Do I give in?

    ANd go get them back, hating every minute of knowing they'd now be MINE and not HERS?

    Or

    Does my stubborn ass leave well enough alone with things that are not mine to worry about...knowing full well how I will feel on Sunday night?
    Thursday, August 9th, 2007
    9:34 am
    Happy Thursdays
     So I got my bonus...which will most likely go towards my cell phone and cable bills, and a floor for my house.

    My house is quite neglected as I have spent little to no time here except for feeding the pets. Of which I am out of food again.

    My ATM card has not yet arrived. Which sucks.

    Other than that work and school are good.

    I have officially learned how to two-step (sorta).

    Today is my late day at work, so I've been up for four hours, doing almost nothing. Playing ball with the dog, folding laundry, and cleaning the bathroom.

    I still need:an ironing board, vacuume cleaner, shredder, spices, steak knives, and a good set of tweezers so if you have the following lets barter.

    Happy Thursdays!!!!!

    Current Mood: giddy
    Friday, July 6th, 2007
    3:35 pm
    **granting wishes for the next 24 hours***
     Call it KARMA.

    Do you need something? ...a bicycle, a sewing kit, rent the dvd, a pair of unworn reebox shoes, 4 pounds of flour, movies, fans, sheets, tents, artwork , clothes, ....etc?

    I may have it!!!

    For the next 24 hours simply post what you need or someone you know needs and if I have it, it is yours free!!!

    Tomorrow is 7-7-7 and it's time I did something good.
    Saturday, June 30th, 2007
    1:15 pm
    who wants to buy a house?
     West VAlley
    By Loop 101 and Arrowhead Mall.
    Close to the Glendale Arena.
    3bed 2bath with a den,2 car garage.
    Block wall fencing.

    212k

    You know you want it!!!!!!!
    Monday, June 25th, 2007
    10:13 pm
    San Fransisco Dyke March/ my 48 hrs in cali
     So San Fransisco Pride rocked.
    It was the first year I have gone.

    It is the largest and most unstructured event I have ever been too. We are talking city streets crammed full from one side to the other, that is four to six lanes of PEOPLE.

    Crowded to capacity. City Hall had a stage and a rainbow flag. I saw wilson cruz. I watched Honey Labrador (of the unsuccessful queer eye for the straight girl) get married. I found out I am allergic to smirnoff...sad times. I sat under an umbrella after frying myself in the sun. We were the only umbrella on the whole lawn. I have never seen so many half naked women, ever. I had enough courtesy (and sobriety) to refrain from capturing that on my camera phone.

    The Dyke March was awesome.
    I have done peace protest, and anti war rallies, and bush demonstrations, and take back the night marches, and anti-domestic violence vigils, and nothing, was anything like the dyke march. The number of people on roof tops and hanging out windows was unmatched. It is one of the most exciting things I have ever been a collective piece of.

    I definitely recomend it to the recently single. :-)

    How in the world did I live an hour an half from that city for years and never attend FREE pride?!!
    Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
    7:59 pm
    Codependence
     Is a word I had to teach my texting fctn on my cell phone.

    If 21 days breaks a habit, how many days until I can break free of her?

    I have 14 days down, and yet I feel like I am in day zero.
    Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
    11:08 pm
    Tuesday.- hatred
     I come home to a cat locked in a bedroom, and it is 11pm, the dresser is leaning against the bed, all the drawers open, the light is leaning and broken, and for a minute I think the house has been broken into. I do not know if this was done in a fit of rage by a person, or if this could possibly have been done by a 10 pound cat. needless to say not impressed.

    Non communication does not end things.

    It simply stops communication.
    Thursday, June 7th, 2007
    9:07 pm
    Single sucks
     Cooking for one is not something I remember, I have had massive leftovers 3 nights in a row. Anyone want 3/4 of a cheese pizza?

    Laundry is a pathetic half load.
    Friday, May 25th, 2007
    9:03 pm
    I got a second interview!
     So I was one of 32 interviewed last week. Not really very flattering.

    Today I got invited for a second interview, one of seven. That's kinda nice.

    I'd be quite good at the job, and my pay has the potential to go up(PAY range is 10-30k higher than what I make currently)

    I, however, start my new fabulous shift hours in June, with my current position, and have waited some 18MONTHS to get this hard earned shift.

    So, if they like me, and they offer me the position, will I turn it down?

    Bla I hate interviews. Not my strong point.
    Friday, May 11th, 2007
    8:54 pm
    It's payday friday
     For the first time in two years I have not looked to see how much money I'm getting.

    ***poof***

    Life is good.
    Sunday, April 29th, 2007
    1:31 pm
    failure to communicate
     I am having a phenominally bizarre weekend.

    How wierd, that, early Friday, I actually thought this was the happiest I had been in years.

    I could not remember the last time I was so happy all of the time.

    Although, I have made some huge changes that have caused this new state of blissfullness, I did not communicate any of this.

    Since then things have either gotten worse, or better.

    I can't wrap my head around either.
    Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
    12:22 pm
    12:20 pm
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